Feeling a little nostalgic. And a little blue. Not depressed as in a depressive episode (although if I wallow in this state of mind, it’s not a far trip to get there). More of a…. a mourning. A sadness.
It’s been about 4 months since my wife told me she wanted a separation. Today on Facebook and elsewhere are things that are triggering memories. Nothing specifically good or bad, just…. making me recall life together. And while we certainly didn’t have a great marriage, somehow we made it work for years. This coming August would have been 8 years of marriage, and 10 years of being together. An entire decade. That’s a lot of time together. That’s a lot of life. While I wouldn’t call it a “waste” — it’s a long time to invest in a relationship to have it just … end. It sucks, because even through the bad times I believed we could make it. I believed in her. But toward the end I realized nothing was good enough so I just gave up.
I’m not saying it’s all her fault. Certainly there are things I probably should have done much better, but even so. Somehow I don’t think even being a perfect, model husband in every way would have been good enough for her. I guess that’s what hurts, is that no matter what, nothing was ever good enough.
So I guess I have to work through that somehow. Find a place where it’s ok that I invested 10 years of my life (and somehow lost “me” in the process) into a relationship that is now over. And never will be anything other than an “arms length” associate-but-not-friends, somewhat-mistrustful relationship at best, and absoultely apathetic at worst.
Chin up, Andrew. Life moves on. It’s best you work through this and do the same.
The Phoenix Narrative 