I heard Death whisper my name
On that bright spring morn.
The wind carried the scent of fresh cut grass,
Lilacs and Lilies,
And the subtle seductive voice of my own thoughts
I heard Death whisper my name
On yet another restless night.
Tossing and turning,
Reliving,
Rehashing
Every mistake I’d made and remade and relived and remade.
I heard Death whisper my name
On a cold winter morning.
Looking for meaning
Reaching for hope
Drowning on land
Grasping at fog, reaching for air
I heard Death my name.
Lips so close I could feel
Warm breath hot on my ear
Splitting my mind with sinister lies
And hissing jiberish
I cannot accept it, yet it’s the only thing I believe!
Countless times I heard my name
Endless rambling, poison, torture
Destruction, falling
I heard Death whisper my name;
I chose not to answer
At the depth of my depression I struggled with almost-constant thoughts of suicide and my own death. I only had a vague plan or 2, which ovbviously I didn’t go through with. About a week ago I got my first tattoo — which you can read about in other posts here and here. I guess iin a way, this is my tribute to the late Amy Bieuel who launched Project Semicolon. I won’t be so bold as to say I’ve conquered suicide in my life. That would mean I’d never have a suicidal thought again. Instead, for now I’ve beaten it into submission. The thoughts still come occassionally. But I do my best to dismiss them as powerless. Death was never my choice. In those days, death wasn’t what I was looking for. All I was seeking was peace in my mind and my life. A way to silence the craziness and stress — and death would be a way to do that.
As for Mrs Bieuel, her illness is what killed her. Yes, unfortunately it was by her own hand. But that’s what this disease does. It wears you down, beats you into submission. Much like cancer, or many other diseases….it takes everything from you, including your will to live.
If you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm, please know you’re not alone. There are people willing to help you — but it’s up to you to reach out for that help.
Please give your time or money to yourlocal mental health advocacy groups. You just might save a life.
The Phoenix Narrative 