Yes I wrote something yesterday. And today I’ve just been feeling kinda crappy. Not just physically, although that’s part of it. Mentally I’ve just been in a total fog/haze today. I did very little — but finally managed to send out some emails regarding my separation. That in itself fueled procrastination (and has for far too many weeks), anger, frustration, which fueled more procrastination. But hey, I got 2 smallish loads of laundry done. That’s something right? And I’m sitting here, a box of pizza off to my right and a 2 liter bottle of Nestea on the floor within reach….and it’s depressing. Where did the stubborn, focused, the I’m not going down, not today, not ever Andrew that was hanging around here just a few weeks ago? The guy who cooked every night no matter how tired he was. He washed dishes every 2 nights no matter what. He did a load of laundry whenever the basket was full. Everything was relatively tidy. He took time to practice bass several times per week.
But somehow that Andrew has gone AWOL and left this lazy, mopey, unmotivated guy in his place. That guy was pretty chill. This guy is prone to getting irritable pretty damn often.
I’ve fought so hard to stay on top of my mental health but some days, especially days off like today, I’d almost rather have gone to work for part of it. But who goes in to work voluntarily, on their day off, JUST SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH THEIR THOUGHTS???
My heads a scary place to visit. I’m trying hard as hell to not stay there with all the scary thoughts.
A good friend suggested I practice “mindfulness” — being in the moment. Not being in the future (worry) or in the past (regret) but just being aware of each moment. I’ll have to find some books on it. I’ll do anything to turn down the volume on my anxiety-driven thoughts.
So what does this moment look like?
On friday I went to the mall to pick up a few things (and to check out some bikes, I might as well find a more enjoyable and healthy way to get around town then always walking). Anyway I found a pair of what are labled as “Athletic Pants”. Well, they have 2 slash pockets by each hip so that makes them more like pants. Otherwise they’re a fairly thin, soft, breathable fabric. They fit very close — not quite like a second skin, but very much like thermal underwear. And that’s what I’m wearing right now, along with some soft, fuzzy socks and my favorite hoodie. (which reminds me, it’s probably not going to make it though the summer, so I’ll have to find a new hoodie, wash it a few hundred times so it’s well broken in). I’m in one of my Ikea chairs, close to my make-shift desk. The stereo off to my left is currently playing a group called Escala. If you enjoy The Piano Guys, you’re almost certain to enjoy Escala. The pizza I mentioned earlier is off to my right on a chair, within easy reach. I got the ExtravaganZZa. A medium (I think it’s 12″) and I’ve only got 3 pieces left. Just under half. Part of me wants to polish it off before bed. Part of me says just put the rest in the fridge and have it for supper tomorrow. The Nestea isn’t hitting the spot. I just didn’t want Coke or any cola-type drinks. I guess I could have gotten a Sprite of something…And I probably should drink some water. Which reminds me I need to pack my back and set out my uniform for tomorrow morning. One less thing to have to think about at just after 4am….
And I’m sitting here. I realize that for the past 2 hours I’ve been feeling lonely and procrastinated calling my parents, siblings, my friends, or chatting online with other people. I’ve sat here feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my alone-ness and did nothing about it. Why? Simultaneously I don’t want to intrude on other’s lives, and don’t feel worthy of asking for an hour or 2 of their time when I’m down. I know everyone leads busy lives and rest/time with family in the evenings is important. And I know they’ve all said repeatedly to call them anytime, for any reason. And in that moment I know it’s genuine, and I tell myself in that moment that this time I’ll make sure to call them when I’m not doing good.
Yet here I sit (well, I’ve wandered around my apartment, and gone outside for a smoke or 2) without having called anyone. Well, it’s about an hour before bedtime so it’s not worth doing anything about it tonight. All I can hope is that going back to work tomorrow and getting back into the groove will help me feel a little more stable.
I think I’m done rambling for tonight. Tomorrow is yet another day. Might as well slowly wind things down so I can get a decent (I hope) sleep and hit the ground running tomorrow. Well….at least make a valiant effort to make it a good day.
The Phoenix Narrative 