I’ve spent a good part of today being lazy, but also reflecting on all the changes and events that have come my way in the past 90 days. It’s actually hard for me to wrap my brain around, because the past 7.5 years have been incredibly hard. I’m not saying that nothing good happened in that time, but it’s been more struggle than anything else. Glimmers of hope among long stretches of darkness. Some days the only reason I didn’t end my life is simply because I didn’t want to be another statistic. It wasn’t the people that love me. It wasn’t the hypocrisy of advocating for mental heath but killing myself. It wasn’t the trauma that whoever found me would experience. Nope. I just didn’t want to become another number on another statistic sheet.
Yes, there were some days where it WAS the people who loved me, the compassion and support they’ve shown. Yes, there were days where I kept pushing because there was no other option but to keep going because I didn’t really want to die. Most days it wasn’t the permanent end I was looking for, I just didn’t know how to keep going with the chaos in my head and the external stress I couldn’t escape.
But for whatever reason July 2021 marked a shift. A significant shift. The restoration of a hobby I’d given up on. Opportunities to use gifts & abilities I’d long put on the shelf. Career opportunities. Personal hurdles that I’ve spent years of ignoring because I didn’t know how to overcome them. And now, on top of all that, I have someone who’s willing to guide me as I grow my business. I have an opportunity that will put my photography in front of more eyes, and allow me to support mental health charities right here in Canada while I’m doing it. I have an opportunity to play music again, which has been a very long time since I’ve done that. I have another opportunity that just came up today, again related to mental health, and one that could be a very good thing – I won’t say much about it now, other than to say it could be very beneficial for me as a person, but also potentially as a small business owner as well.
These are just the highlights of the past 90 days. There are several smaller victories too, small as in I know they happened, but not big enough to remember specifics. Kind of like sprinkles on your ice cream – they really don’t change things, but its a really nice touch that makes it a little more special. And If I’m honest, all these changes happening so close together would normally have me on edge, because that many good things aren’t supposed to happen to me – and if they do, then something has to happen to balance the scales.
But not this time. Not now. And I’m not sure why things are different now than they were 6 months ago, but I just know that they are different. Or rather, I’m different. Because a mere 6 months ago I wouldn’t have been ready or able to accept this much change. I wasn’t ready mentally, emotionally, and yes, spiritually. I would have subconsciously found a way to sabotage it, because I didn’t deserve that many good things. But now I’m more ready than I’ve ever been. I’m overthinking and hesitating less, and able to move forward with confidence. And I wasn’t even really aware of this until a few of these pieces started to move in a new direction. And I knew I had to make a decision – make the jump, and see where this path leads, or stay in the rut I was in – and become stagnant.
It should come as no surprise (if you’ve read my past few posts) that I’ve decided to make the jump. I don’t know where this leads, and that’s okay. I do know that this path has far more opportunities and possibilities than the rut I was in. But I’m also struggling to let this all sink in, and appreciate all the good it represents, and accept that it’s happening because people believe in me, and value me.
Like a flash flood in a desert, it’s still a lot to take in and try to absorb. But a flood of this much goodness and positivity is one I don’t mind being swept away in.
Much love, as always,
Phoenix
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The Phoenix Narrative 