“If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk”
It’s been a hell of a week, and not in a good way. I just can’t seem to shake off this depressive state. I have the odd day where it lifts, but between external circumstances, internal battles, and what feels like endless overcast days, it feels like I just can’t get my head above water long enough to breathe, to rest, to recharge the mental and emotional tank. It feels like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. But instead of stopping to fix the hole, I just keep typing to fill the bucket, spilling water all over my shoes, soaking my clothes, and trying to pretend this is normal. Because filling a leaky bucket will eventually fix the hole, right?
On top of this, 2 separate people (along with their friends and family) have had their entire world turned upside down due to medical issues. On the one hand, I’m just about numb already. Part of me cares, and wants to do what I can to care and support and encourage these people. And part of me is so close to emotional numbness it’s a little frightening.
l guess it makes sense though. I am a caring person. I often wish I had more to give; mentally, emotionally, financially, whatever – in many situations, with many different people. I’ve always been this way. If I was a millionaire, I probably wouldn’t be one very long (unless I had a very competent and strict accountant). And I often feel powerless, because I look at a situation and know I can’t really do a whole lot to help because, yet as a typical male I feel compelled to “fix things” and feel frustrated and inadequate when I can’t.
Even so, I know that if I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to detach from emotions I should be feeling (aka having an appropriate emotional response), that’s probably a big red flag I should probably pay attention to. And I can recognize both sides are playing a factor and fighting each other. Which makes me thankful I’m at least self-aware enough to be cognizant of all this, even though I can’t really do a whole lot do actually resolve any of it. So then I wonder if that red flag isn’t so bad if I know why it’s there? (This could easily spiral into a twisted version of “the chicken and the egg” type loop, which I find amusing. Because part of me wants to follow the loop to find the answer, and part of me knows there is no answer to a loop, and another part of me knows this is yet another ADHD bunny trail that really doesn’t need to be followed. *sigh* I love my brain. Sometimes….)
And I don’t know anything beyond that, other than (at least for today) to avoid making any decisions beyond what music I want to listen to for the rest of the day, and when to have some supper. Because any decisions beyond that will either be too stressful, or be made from a very emotional response without considering possible consequences.
I know I’ll get through. I always have, and this is no different. I’m tired of just surviving, because I know I can, and have thrived. And I know I can and will again. But for now, I’m just tired. And tired is a long way from thriving.
Please know this is just a brain dump, to get the thoughts out of my head and into something more tangible. I’m not in any danger, and the mere act of putting this down has helped me release some of that dark heaviness I was feeling. I’m not doing amazing, but for now, I’m doing better than I was when I started writing this post. No, I’m not in any danger or risk of self harm. The brain dump helped, and that’s what matters.